We tend to think of resilience as enduring something for a sustained period. And we think of enduring as a stoic, solo thing. But we’re actually pretty far off with that view.
Staying in a bad situation is more likely to be chipping away at your resilience than building it. ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ is wildly dependent on way too many variables to be a good rule of thumb.
So what is resilience, why does it matter, and what can we do to improve it? Let’s start at the beginning.
Resilience is very much about our ability to bend, flex, and adapt to life and all of its challenges. Our mental, behavioural, and emotional capability to do so all contributes to how resilient we are. And there are lots of things that impact those. The good news is, no matter where you’re starting from or what you’ve faced so far, you can proactively work on your resilience so you have a broader reserve to draw on day-to-day as well as in challenging times.
The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent
when it must and survived. Robert Jordan
The only constant in life is change.
That’s why, the more we work on our ability to flex and adapt, the more we build our inner world for the better. When we stop trying to control every aspect of our external environment, the more content we can be.
There are lots of ways you can boost your own resilience. Small actions in your day-to-day life will help and have lots of other positive knock-on effects, too.
Meeting your fundamental needs is a good place to start as it’s foundational for so much in life. That’s everything like getting enough quality sleep, eating well, moving your body however feels good, connecting with other people, getting outside, and using grounding techniques in everyday life.
If you’re looking for community and a bit of motivation to get you going, you could give Runspire Nottingham a look. They’ve got a variety of events covering all skill levels, goals, areas, and always include having fun! There’s no commitment either so you can just give it a go and see where it takes you.
Being kind to and supportive of ourselves is also important when it comes to resilience. If external factors are causing a strain, the last thing we need is to be harsh and overly self-critical. For some of us, this is the hardest part. Developing self-compassion - recognising that you’re a person having a human experience and a human reaction - is important to create space, relief, and a chance to learn and grow. Self-care is a part of this too. Finding the line between what you want and what you need isn’t always straight forward!
Other internal factors that make a difference to how we’re able to cope with the world include having what’s called a growth mindset. Many of us move between a fixed and a growth mindset without necessarily being aware of it, or we have characteristics of both depending on the situation we’re in.
Have you ever said (or heard someone say) ‘that’s just the way I am’ or ‘I’ve always been like this’? They’re common examples of a fixed mindset – not allowing any space or thought for the possibility of change or growth, which we are all capable of. We can see things as fixed and immutable because of past experiences, because others have told us they are, because they’re very difficult to address, and because of millions of other reasons. Not everything in this life is easy, but it’s not impossible. Seeing things as challenges to be figured out rather than barriers that stop us where we are helps us to think of ourselves as flexible, adaptable beings. If you direct your brain toward examples of times you have overcome, it’ll help you to start building and reinforcing that self-belief. If this topic is standing out to you, explore a bit more on fixed and growth mindsets.
Social connection and support are also key to building our resilience. We’ve evolved as social creatures and having opportunity for shared experiences alleviates stress. Even just talking about what’s going on for us, with no problem solving involved, releases chemicals in our brains that help to make us feel better. People are increasingly reporting feelings of loneliness and isolation across all age groups and it’s tempting to think there’s no way out. But there is. Every single interaction doesn’t have to be soul deep to build our feeling of connection to the world. It’s ok to go with the flow. There are things like Men in Sheds and Nottingham Lonely Girls groups for gatherings with informal chat and social interaction. Taking up a voluntary role can be a great one too, as it adds to a sense of purpose and achievement on top of the connection.
Other factors you can work on to help yourself include:
- Emotional regulation
- Problem solving skills
- Stress management
- Helpful coping strategies
- Reflective practice
We don’t always realise it, but looking after our minds and internal state is the same as looking after our day-to-day needs. Because we’ve got brains, we think if we leave them to it, they’ll sort everything out. Not quite so! It’s like building muscle; consistency is key. And like bathing – it’s not enough to do it just once, you have to keep doing it! It doesn’t have to be – it shouldn’t be – taxing. It can be fun, interesting, and done in bite-sized bits.
If you live in Nottingham and want to do something practical and in-person on building resilience, why not join me at The Place in Sherwood for a 90 minute workshop?
If life feels overwhelming or you feel like you can’t cope, please seek help from a healthcare professional and know that you are loved.