We can build ourselves up or box ourselves in with the things we tell ourselves. It’s not something we have to be doing consciously, either.
How we communicate externally matters and most of us spend time focussing on how we do it, in one way or another. It could be rehearsing or replaying situations and conversations as well as consciously wanting to improve our clarity or directness. Many of us are also often much kinder to others than we are to ourselves.
When was the last time you had a really positive conversation or thought process with yourself? One with no caveats. No ifs, buts or maybes, where nothing was downplayed and everything was simply accepted as it was. How we communicate internally is vital to the overall health and happiness of our lives.
Have you ever said any of the following to yourself?
- It’s just the way I am
- It’s always been like this
- I can’t do it
- I’m not good enough
- Sure I did it, but I couldn’t have done it if…
These are all ways to keep ourselves down. To ensure we don’t get too big for our boots. But there’s a big difference between being able to honestly appraise our talents and misgivings and using our perceived failings as a stick to continuously beat ourselves with.
Being open to receive feedback - from ourselves as well as others - means we have to let go of the idea of being right, of things being fixed, and of the fear of judgement. Which explains why it seems so hard to do at first!
We need to let go of the impossible need to be perfect. After all, true perfection has to be imperfect.
So, how can we start to build ourselves a house with solid foundations, one that supports us and provides a safe space? The first steps might look something like this:
- Notice repeated thoughts or patterns that occur uniquely to you
- Offer a gentle, questioning curiosity to and about them. How do you know this is a true, immutable fact? Where did it come from? What would happen if you let it go?
- Start to replace them with something else – at a pace that works for you. By that, I mean you don’t have to start telling yourself 10 positive affirmations in the mirror every morning if that isn’t going to work for you. Start with questioning and create doubt that these things are true. Starve them of their power. You could also start to build neutral thoughts in their place, rather than jumping in at the deep end of positivity. This is your process, so play around with it, and make it work for you.
Your consistent attempts to change will become results over time.
Houses can certainly change over time while retaining their structural integrity, maintaining a strong and consistent base. Walls can be built or knocked down, the whole place or just one corner can be redecorated, things can be chucked out when they’re no longer needed and brand new things can be brought in.
One of the best ways to build yourself up is to tell yourself it’s worth doing - that you are worth it - and to support that with actions that show you mean it. Every moment is a new opportunity. Keep going.
You don't need to be in Nottingham to work with me for Coaching. If this has sparked something for you and you'd like to discuss further, please get in touch.